Fun n Inspiration

You Know You're Living in 2012 when...

2012-01-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

Old but still true today.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 50) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Never Give Up

2011-09-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

"Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles. Your decision to be, have and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else."

~ Brian Tracy

10 Things You Should Know About Texas & Texans

2011-09-20T06:14:00.000-07:00

1. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

2. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'

3. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat ?'

4. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH ‘EM...

5. You measure distance in minutes.

6. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

8. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

9. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew or chili weather.

10. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dat-gummit.

Win Prizes & Money - It's FREE: Sign-up & Search with SwagBucks

The Pay Increase

2011-06-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

A maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maid: "Well mam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maid: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maid: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No mam, the gardener did.
SHE GOT THE RAISE!

Photo credit tristatedomestic.net

Goodness and Marcy

2010-11-22T21:50:00.000-08:00

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him.

She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So, she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her own two kids anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?'

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

Photo courtesy of activekidsclub.com

Take me to Jail

2010-10-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

A Louisiana State trooper pulled a car over on I-20 about 2 miles from the Louisiana / Mississippi State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Jackson to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Louisiana got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the car door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me straight to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

Photo Courtesy of: floridacriminalattorneysblog.com

2010 Handbook - Part 1

2010-07-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

Life:

Do the right thing!

Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

GOD heals everything.

However good or bad a situation is, it will change...

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

The best is yet to come...

When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Wish You...

2010-07-10T23:21:00.000-07:00

Happiness................. Deep down within

Serenity.................. With each sunrise

Success................... In each facet of your life

Friends................... Close and caring

Love....................... That never ends

Knowledge.................. Of the grace and love of God

Special memories........... Of all the yesterdays

A bright today............. With much to be thankful for

A path......................That leads to beautiful tomorrows

Dreams..................... That do their best to come true

And appreciation........... Of all the wonderful things about you!

Things to consider while walking through life...

2010-06-18T20:46:00.000-07:00

Good Morning

2010-05-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

When I say good morning I mean to say:

G-od

O-ffers us His

O-utstanding

D-evotion to

M-ake us

O-bedient &

R-eady for a

N-ew day with Him.

I-nspire others please, and

N-ever forget

G-od loves you!

If you like it send it to others. God will bless you for doing just that!!!

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Notes from Parents

2010-03-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

Below are actual notes from parents to school. Original spellings are left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse rolan from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Have you read any "funny" notes from parents? Add them to your comment...we'd love to hear them.

Disorder in the Court

2010-01-31T21:53:00.000-08:00

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Are you serious?

My Dad is a Father

2010-01-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

Happiness

2009-12-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

It is not how much we have,

but how much we enjoy,

that makes happiness.

~ ~ ~

Charles Spurgeon

No-Sew Sachets

2009-12-06T17:00:00.000-08:00

These delightful potpourri sachets can be made in a variety of fabrics and colors. The ones pictured above are made with sheer organza type fabric in order to see the contents of the sachet bags.

The sachets can be used in closets, lingerie & hosiery bags, laundry bags, drawers, bathrooms, and anywhere else you want to freshen. They also make beautiful decorative accessories for any room.

You will need:
fabric
glue
ribbon
potpourri

Instructions:
1. For each sachet, place 2 matching 5-inch fabric squares back-to-back and glue the edges together on 3 sides. Spread the glue close to the edges to keep it from fraying.
2. Fill the sachet with about 1/2 cup of potpourri when the glue is dry. Then glue together the open edges and again let the glue dry.
3. Arrange the finished sachets in multicolored stacks and tie them together with a festive ribbon or yarn.

Your satchets are ready. Use them as fragrantly scented decorative accessories for your home or give them as gifts.

How to make your own potpourri!

The Hearing Aid

2009-12-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

" Twelve thirty ."

Turkey Dressing

2009-11-24T13:12:00.000-08:00

"Honey, where did you say that turkey was?"

4 Things You Can't Recover...

2009-11-18T20:39:00.000-08:00

1. The stone, after the throw.

2. The word, after it's said.

3. The occasion, after the loss.

4. The time, after it's gone.

How the Fight Started

2009-11-09T16:27:00.000-08:00

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend" . . .

And that's how the fight started!

Wine vs Water

2009-10-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria, found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering, and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of "poop".

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

Win Prizes & Money - It's FREE: Sign-up & Search with SwagBucks

Sniffer Dog

2009-10-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2009-09-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

Donkey Story

2009-09-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!

Shake it off and take a step up!

The Nutritionist

2009-09-18T18:17:00.000-07:00

Gotta love this Doctor, his practice has no room for new patients!

Now, he's a medical wizard!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLOŠ Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A Guide: How to be Annoying

2009-09-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself at a loss for something fun to do, these "things-to-do" are a sure thing. They will amuse, tickle, or annoy you.

Lighten up, life is serious enough!

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in foreign currency.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad."

Never make eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

For more fun visit Joke of the Day

Short Stupid Joke

2009-09-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

A woman calls the airline office in Chicago and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Seattle?"

The clerk says to her, "Just a second."

"Thank you." the lady says, and hangs up.

Higher Education

2009-09-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow !"

Not So Tough

2009-09-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

A nun in all black is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her square in the nose.

Before she can scream, he lands a sloppy one-two and an uppercut. When she goes down, he starts kicking her with his scuffed business shoes.

As a crowd gathers, the drunk stops, staggers back, and slurs, "You're not so tough, Batman!"

Memories - Senior Humor

2009-09-03T20:18:00.000-07:00

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was having coffee and talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Days of the Week

2009-09-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

Without God, the days of our week are:

Mournday
Tearsday
Wasteday
Thirstday

Fightday

Shatterday

and,

Sinday

So, allow Him to be with you every day!'

'Life is short, so forgive quickly.

Believe slowly .. Love truly.

Laugh uncontrollably.

Never regret anything that makes you happy.

And, have a wonderfully blessed journey

Zen Sarcasm

2009-08-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt andleaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal yourneighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips aremoving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxativeon the same night.

The Parrot

2009-08-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT: DO-NOT-TALK-TO-MY-PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See? Men just don't listen!!!

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2009-08-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods her head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$$. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what she wants for breakfast, she replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! She flies out of her chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying her eyes out, with her mother in hot pursuit, slapping her rear with every step. Her mom locks her in her room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young lady?

' I don't know', she blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios!'

The Results of Statistics

2009-08-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed

2. All polar bears are left-handed

3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear.

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear eye glasses.

2. 80 percent of employed men wear eye glasses.

3. Work sucks up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals

2. All cats are animals

3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second

2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second

3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

EVERYTHING IN BALANCE

2009-08-07T17:31:00.000-07:00

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's the State of Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They willbe extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's Washington DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Dumb Criminals

2009-08-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won.

In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Encouraging Words

2009-08-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces,

never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up

and begin again. "

~ Flavia Weedn ~

* * *

"Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them."

~ Hugh Miller~

* * *

Senior Humor

2009-07-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

How the fight started...

2009-07-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

And, that's how the fight started!

Kids Are Quick

2009-07-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

They Walk Among Us!

2009-07-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it ...

...into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yes, They Walk Among Us!

The Ant and The Dove

2009-07-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

An ANT went to the bank of a river to quench its thirst, and was carried away by the rush of the stream, it was on the brink of drowning.

A Dove sitting on a tree overhanging the water plucked a leaf and let it fall into the stream close to her. The Ant climbed on to the leaf and floated in safety to the bank.

Shortly afterwards a bird-catcher came and stood under the tree, and laid his lime-twigs trap for the Dove, which sat in the branches.

The Ant, perceiving his design, stung him on the foot. In pain the bird-catcher threw down the twigs, and the noise made the Dove take wing and fly away.

One good turn deserves another!

Why Men Are Never Depressed

2009-07-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

You can play with toys all your life.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do 'nothing' and call it work...you're thinking!

How the Fight Started

2009-07-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, Well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

Happy Anniversary

2009-07-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary To Me

and Papa DellGirl!

July 12, 1969 - July 12, 2009
~ ~ ~

It's an old story [inject a chuckle], old friends read it last year.

We started 1st grade together in our little country town. I didn't know him from a hole in the ground. We got better acquainted in 2nd grade as he was a mischievious little dickens. Fun, but devilish as all "git-out". He and a friend chased me home one day after school...

New friends can read it here.

10 Things You Should Know About Texas & Texans

2009-07-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas .
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas .
4. If it grows, it'll “stick-ya”. If it crawls, it'll “bite-cha”.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7. 'Jawllll-P?': means, 'Did everyone go to the restroom?
8. People actually grow and eat okra [better known as okrey: by dellgir].
9. 'Fixinto' is one word. [Me: Dellgirl: I’m changing it to the kerrekt word:] Finna: [as in] "I’m finna go to the store".
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is breakfast, dinner and, supper.

~ ~ ~

Kids Are Quick

2009-07-09T05:59:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Sue, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Sue: You told me to do it without using tables.

~ ~ ~

TEACHER: Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?

BILLY: Because it had more cents.

~ ~ ~

TEACHER: Why was the math book sad?

ANNIE: Because it had too many problems.

~ ~ ~

10 GOOD FACTS TO KNOW

2009-07-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair

2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish

3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes

4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair

5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any.

6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea

7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water

8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste

9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!

10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too

********************************************************

DISCLAIMER: This is an email from my friends. The only one I'm brave enough to try is #9. And, #10!!!? Do you know what WD-40 does to "rusty" screws and bolts?! Now, why would I spray that on my arthritis? Crazy!

Which one(s) do you like? dislike the most?

A Loving Husband

2009-07-03T23:40:00.000-07:00

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Funny Classifieds

2009-06-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

A smile for your day …

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little critter, Bites!

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC German Shepherd; Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

NORDIC TRACK: $300, Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!: Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes, excellent condition, $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

How the fight starts...

2009-06-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

Fire Truck

2009-06-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's private-parts.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Disorder in the Court

2009-05-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Apples & Wine

2009-05-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but they're easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men . . . men are like fine wine. they begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the mess out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Now share this with all the good apples you know.
If you know any good grapes . . .

share it with them too.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2009-05-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

When questioned, elementary school children wrote the following statements about the Bible. The statements have not been edited. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they were made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Kids Are Quick

2009-05-10T23:45:00.001-07:00

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

The Accident

2009-05-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.”

Need A Push

2009-04-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!" "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Kids

2009-04-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a b#$ is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.'

'And is this how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.

'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

More like this at kountrylife.com

If You're Unhappy

2009-04-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and “pooped” on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him up and defrosted his wings.

Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

* Everyone who “poops” on you is not necessarily your enemy.
* Everyone who gets you out of the “poop” is not necessarily your friend.
* AND, if you are warm and happy in a pile of “poop”, keep your mouth shut.

I love being a Senior....

2009-04-18T22:56:00.000-07:00

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her."

You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!"

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS...

Kids Are Quick

2009-04-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

If I Had My Life To Live Over

2009-04-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

by Erma Bombeck(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it .. . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you have a blessed day.

How the fight starts...

2009-04-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me

a compliment."

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Toxic People

2009-04-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

Tips to rid yourself of "toxic people" by Lee Fuller

Ready to rid yourself of some toxic folks? Here's a way to recognize them.

Toxic relationships can wreck marriages/relationships, wreck business relationships, sabotage careers and destroy peace of mind. It's so important for those of us with vision to recognize the characteristics of those whose mission is to destroy or impede progress. Here are a few. - Lee

Toxic relationships: The People

Some relationships constantly drain your energy, in both obvious and subtle ways. Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from your path to living a fulfilled life. Life coach Cheryl Richardson describes six types of toxic qualities in people.

The Blamer: This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you. You feel like you are being used because you know this person is just ranting and raving. They are not looking for solutions and are often part of the problem. They just want a willing vessel to dump into.

The Drainer: This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation. This one will keep agreeing that you give great advice but NEVER use the advice. They seem to enjoy hearing you reveal nuggets that will help them but NEVER plan to use the advice.

The Shamer: This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of you or your ideas in front of others or when you are alone with them. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for your own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his. They often act like they are morally better than you are.

The Discounter: This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. They only listen to oppose, not to understand. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen. You feel like everything you say is being judged or evaluated.

The Gossip: This person avoids intimacy by talking about others behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.

Read the entire article on Lee Fuller's facebook page.

*************************************
Do you know any "toxic people"? I do. I also have time-tested and very effective strategies for dealing with them.

How do you deal with your "toxic people"?

"Hut On Fire"

2009-03-27T10:40:00.001-07:00

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?'

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him!

'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers.

'We saw your smoke signal,' they replied.

* * * * * * * * *
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering.

Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

I am passing this on, because you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire today

Dinner & A Muzzle Please!

2009-03-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

Lf to rt: Baby son, Mike; Poppa DellGirl; Mama Dellgirl; Jordyn

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --

On Saturday, Pop arrives home from work early in the afternoon in order to take me and the kids out to dinner.

Everybody is dressed and ready to go at 7:30 p.m. I quickly check to make sure everything is off that should be off, lock the door, and start for the car. Pop asks as we leave the front porch, "Who's driving?"

I answer him with a knowing smile, "Jordyn is driving, why?"

He retorts quickly with his usual joking unsolicited opinion, "Oh Lord, I might need to follow y'all in my truck."

Jordyn is behind the wheel and Mike is riding shot-gun as they wait for Pop and me to wriggle and crunch ourselves into the back seat. Not five minutes out the driveway and before we even reach the first block, Pop quips with a hint of feigned concern in his voice, "Dang Dell, she's speeding already and we haven't even left the neighborhood."

"Well fasten your seatbelt and hang on," I cautioned.

"Yea, and zip it. I already unplugged Mama's backseat driver's breaks."

That did nothing to stop him. All the way down South Post Oak he cautions. "Hey Jordyn, you better slow down, the cops are real bad right here."

Without batting an eyelash, Jordyn replies, "I know, I see them here all the time."

On the freeway, he continues to critique. I'm silently thinking, Jordyn must be in a really good mood, she continues to humor him. She countered his next directive with a big grin in Mike's direction.

"Yea Mike, Daddy's acting like he never drove fast. When we were little he drove so fast we thought we were riding in the Indy-500 or on a roller-coaster. And, now that he drives ten miles an hour and spends most of his time behind the wheel looking out the window or glancing backward to see what's going on all around him, he thinks everybody else drives too fast, except Mama."

This part of the speech is accompanied by a demonstration. She imitates how Pop turns all the way left looking out the window at something. Or, how he looks out the back window driving - ten miles an hour. Her rendition has us all bursting with laughter, including Pop. He is also busy trying to talk his way out of the current situation, that he is the reason for the intense laughter from .

The parking lot and the restaurant are packed but, we get a table right away. They all discuss what's good and what they want as I search for my all time favorite. No matter which seafood restaurant we go to I order the seafood platter, a taste of everything delicious. I found it, closed my menu and listened as they made their final selections. The waiter takes our order and we wait, chatting and laughing happily.

Jordyn, Mike, and I nibble on the appetizers but Pop refuses stating, "I don't want to spoil my appetite because I'm going to eat every single thing on my plate."

Dinner arrives and we all dig in hungrily, still laughing and catching up on the week's happenings.

Pop comments on my plate(s), "I know you not going to eat all that, you'll have some left over."

"I know. Then I'll get a take-home box and have some for when I wake up hungry over in the night." I assured him.

The food is delicious, cooked just right and is served piping hot. We each enjoy our own food and also sample the dishes that are different. Pop wasn't playing, he's working that platter of seafood over big-time. And, he finishes the whole thing before Jordyn and I get half-way through ours. We're both full about the same time so we stop before we get stuffed. We gather our take-home boxes, pay our tab, and exit the restaurant for the ride home. The dinner, the company, and the evening were absolutely wonderful, perfectly wonderful.

About a half block from the restaurant we encounter a long line of traffic waiting (and trying) to enter the freeway. Jordyn waits a customary "moment" then zips along side the traffic in the right lane to the head of the left lane. This particular SUV had waited...and waited...and waited for a break in the oncoming traffic. But, Jordyn (being in the left lane and in a smaller car) saw an opening and whipped in line with the flow of traffic quickly and easily.

Needless to say, Pop started again. "Girl, you driving too fast. You better slow down and watch what you doing."

Jordyn's evidently in a better mood than I originally thought.

She replied with a quick laugh and an admonishment, "Okay, everyody in the 'popcorn gallery' - QUITE."

She proceed to drive at her regular pace - fast - all the while countering Pop's cautions, critiques, and directives with a calm joking deliberateness I have grown to admire. He didn't stop But, he knew he'd met his match. He was out-numbered by one, Jordyn and her her quick-wit and determination - again.

Back at the house, Mike visits a few minutes then gathers his "take-home" food and leaves to go home. Jordyn spends a few minutes talking and soon bids us good night. Pop and I end the evening listening to Maze Featuring Frankie Beverly and winding down from a busy busy but productive work week. Lots to talk about.

Thanks to my Followers

2009-03-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

Hi all. Thank you for following my blog, I really appreciate it. It is very cool to log on and look over at your smiling (or not) faces. It makes my heart sing to know you are there.

First, a BIG THANKS to my new followers; krigeren, emlocks, Melissa Barrett-Traister, FTS Records, & Money Making Opportunities. You guys are the greatest.

And, to my loyal and faithful followers who have always been there - you guys keep me going. Thank you; Jo, Rhapsody, & Bollywood for caring enough to stay and to keep coming back with your nice comments.

Before I start blubbering all over the keyboard, I'll end with...

My followers are my friends. Thank you!

PS: I tried to put links to your names but, my computer is dragging its feet at that idea today. I'll link next time.

Remember When...

2009-03-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

Ka-lickk, click.

Operator: "This is the operator. Number, please?"

Caller: "896-W2".

Ring ring, Ring ring. Ring ring.

On the other end of the line, "Hello, Wilkins residence. Leona speaking."

Caller: "Hello? Mama? This is me, Annie Pearl.""

Conversation, chit chat, talk, gossip, this is what's going on here, what's happening over there?

"Okay Mama, I'll call you later. Bye." That's my mama calling my grandma.

Does anybody remember those days? You picked up the telephone receiver, placed it to your ear and gave the operator the number of the party you wanted to talk to.

My grandma's number was 896-W2. Ours was 928-J. Those are the only ones I remember.

Why? Why am I remembering this now? Baby had son stopped in for a quick visit after work. I had just baked some meat and offered him a bite. For a change he wasn't hungry, said he had stopped at home before coming over and had already eaten. Ummm. Okay. We had the nicest time just chatting, laughing, catching up on the past few days' goings on.

On his way out he noticed an old family picture I had recently found and put out in the curio cabinet. We talked about the people in the picture, who they were, how they were related to him.
He filpped it over, glanced quickly at the backside and commented that the photographers name seemed to be on most of our old pics.

Then he commented, "Man, this picture IS old, look at that phone number. 466-J."

Needless to say, we had a nice lively chat about "the-old-days", which he personally knows nothing about, except what we (his parents and grandparents) have told him.

I, on the other hand, was immediately transported back to another time - a time when telephones, phone numbers, and methods of communicating were first evolving.

Do you remember your parents, grandparents, or other relatives' old (ancient) phone numbers?

Driving

2009-03-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, lawdy, am I driving?!"

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

Inspirational Quote

2009-03-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

If you think about disaster, you will get it.

Brood about death and you hasten your demise.

Think positively and masterfully,

with confidence and faith,

and life becomes more secure,

more fraught with action,

richer in achievement and experience.

~ ~ ~

Edward Rickenbacker

Kids Are Quick

2009-03-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir.

TEACHER: Why not, Simon?

SIMON: I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

A Very Smart Mule

2009-03-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Kids Are Quick

2009-03-07T20:24:00.000-08:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: (pointing) Here it is.

TEACHER: Yes, that is correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

Why Men Are Never Depressed - 2

2009-02-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Why women should avoid girls night out...

2009-02-25T14:19:00.000-08:00

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit tipsy, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.(Even when totally loaded...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him " Midnight". He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! Dodged that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. s---", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and passed gas."

TO BE 6 AGAIN

2009-02-24T14:37:00.000-08:00

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl ofLucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her_expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb butt!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

Old Age

2009-02-19T16:42:00.000-08:00

Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body the wrinkles the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4-AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face I know some have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't
question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

Kids Are Quick

2009-02-14T23:50:00.000-08:00

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
_________________________________________________

Why Men Are Never Depressed

2009-02-12T16:24:00.000-08:00

Men Are Just Happier People--What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Wedding dress $5000. Tuxrental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Kids Are Quick

2009-02-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

They walk among us...

2009-02-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'

Baby Boomer Songs Renamed

2009-02-06T01:26:00.000-08:00

IT WAS FUN BEING A BABY BOOMER ....until now.

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us "aging ones". They include:

Herman's Hermits- Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees- How Can You Mend A Broken Hip
Bobby Darin- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Ringo Starr- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack- The First Time, Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon- Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
Commodores- Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Leo Sayer- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba- Denture Queen
Helen Reddy- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Lesley Gore- It's My Procedure And I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson- On the Throne Again

Company Policy

2009-01-30T19:12:00.000-08:00

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

_______________________________________________

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

ABC'S FOR LIVING

2009-01-29T16:09:00.000-08:00

Although things are not perfect

Because of trial or pain

Continue in thanksgiving

Do not begin to blame

Even when the times are hard

Fierce winds are bound to blow

God is forever able

Hold on to what you know

Imagine life without His love

Joy would cease to be

Keep thanking Him for all the things

Love imparts to thee

Move out of "Camp Complaining"

No weapon that is known

On earth can yield the power

Praise can do alone

Quit looking at the future

Redeem the time at hand

Start every day with worship

To "thank" is a command

Until we see Him coming

Victorious in the sky

We'll run the race with gratitude

Xalting God most high

Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...

Zion waits in glory...

where none are ever sad!

"I AM Too blessed to be stressed!"

The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor. The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.

Love and peace be with you forever, Amen.

PS: GOD LOVES YOU...PASS THE WORD ON

Hormone Hostage

2009-01-29T13:19:00.000-08:00

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth & he takes his life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker, or significant other!

Dangerous: WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
Safer: CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?
Safest: WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?
Ultra Safe: HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.

Dangerous: ARE YOU WEARING THAT?
Safer: WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!
Safest: WOW! LOOK AT YOU!
Ultra Safe: HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.

Dangerous: WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT?
Safer: COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?
Safest: HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.
Ultra Safe: HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.

Dangerous: SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?
Safer: YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.
Safest: CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?
Ultra Safe: HERE, HAVE SOME WINE.

Dangerous: WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?
Safer: I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.
Safest: I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!
Ultra Safe: HERE, HAVE SOME MORE WINE.

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. POOR MEN SUCK
12. PACK MY STUFF

& MY FAVORITE ONE
13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR HORMONAL FRIENDS

& THOSE WHO MIGHT NEED A GOOD LAUGH!!...

OR MEN WHO MAY NEED WARNING!!

Kids Are Quick

2009-01-27T16:30:00.000-08:00

TEACHER: Class, George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

They Walk Among Us!

2009-01-26T18:36:00.000-08:00

Something to make you smile!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I was at the checkout of a discount store. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.

I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again.

I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to someone in Austin at MoPacBlvd and Parmer Lane .

......................................They Walk Among Us!!!

Hymns By Word Association

2009-01-25T17:38:00.000-08:00

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. "Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."

The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood. "The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.

They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

Invisible Mother......

2009-01-22T14:07:00.000-08:00

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible; the invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees' I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder, as one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM! Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know...I just did.

Hope this encourages you when the going gets tough as it sometimes does.

We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

Happy Birthday #1 Daughter!

2009-01-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

Jordyn today.
My favorite photo.

My #1 cheerleader.

Even then the world was her stage.

Preparing for her destiny...

3 years old with 'Kita'

The beginning: El Paso, TX

at 3 months old

Happy birthday darling daughter.

You bring me such joy!

I love you.

Nine Words Women Use

2009-01-12T11:29:00.001-08:00

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unlesss she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying *#F---(FORGET) YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send it to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true!!!

Safety & Sharing

2009-01-12T01:37:00.000-08:00

At a recent company safety meeting, an employee shared a personal experience of his that included a significant learning for all those attending. His wife was having serious heart attack symptoms, so he called 9-1-1. He told the dispatcher to look for the emergency flashers on his truck. He backed his truck down the driveway and turned them on. The EMT's said that it saved them critical time in finding his house when they got in the neighborhood.

What a great idea to aid responders in locating those in crisis! Share this idea with friends and family. Hopefully, they will never have to use this time-saving suggestion, but it would be a nice piece of information to tuck away for emergency situations.

Knowledge is definitely power!

Kids Are Quick

2009-01-11T18:01:00.000-08:00

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

LOVE IS NEVER SILENT

2009-01-11T16:29:00.000-08:00

A loving heart, a gentle smile,
a warm and tender touch
we give so many things in life
but nothing means as much.
A little inspiration
when someone loses hope,
A kind word of encouragement
when they no longer seem to cope
A simple phrase, "I love you"
when no one else is there,
Taking hold onto a hand
in a little heartfelt prayer
"Love is never silent,"
It has much to say.
And it's our greatest blessing
When we give it all away.

Author unknown

A married couple...

2009-01-10T15:47:00.000-08:00

... was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

This and more at Jokes.com

Thinking Women

2009-01-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking, isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

Easy Albert

2009-01-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

A woman was in a grocery store and stumbles upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cooking aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, "easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "its OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta her, hang in there."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert - the little fart's name is Johnny."

Kids say the darndest things...

2009-01-02T17:45:00.000-08:00

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THEY WROTE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST B OOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD, SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHE RE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

To Rhapsody

2009-01-01T17:38:00.000-08:00

Hey Rap, I just left your place. It's so nice of you to visit me here, and especially nice of you to leave the wonderful comments you do. I always look forward to seeing you. Thanks for being there. I will see you again, hopefully soon.

I left comments on some of your older posts.

I invite other readers to visit Rhapsody's blog. You're in for a real treat.