Friday, June 26, 2015

Laugh of the Day

An man goes into a shop and buys a chainsaw.

Two weeks later he returns the chainsaw and says to the shop assistant: "2 weeks ago I bought this chainsaw and you said that it would chop down 50 trees in an hour. I can only manage 2 trees."

The shop assistant says, "let me see", and starts the machine up. BRRRRRR!!!

The man jumps back in surprise and says "what's that noise?!?"

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Monday, December 8, 2014

A Guide: How to be Annoying

If you find yourself at a loss for something fun to do, these "things-to-do" are a sure thing. They will amuse, tickle, or annoy you.

Lighten up, life is serious enough!

  • Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

  • Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

  • Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

  • Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

  • Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

  • Leave tips in foreign currency.

  • Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

  • Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

  • Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad."

  • Never make eye contact.

  • Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
For more fun visit Joke of the Day

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Sniffer Dog

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Goodness and Marcy

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him.

She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So, she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her own two kids anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?'

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

Photo courtesy of

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Dumb Criminals

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won.

In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Friday, August 30, 2013


Three women die together in an accident 
And go to heaven. 

When they get there, St. Peter says, 
'We only have one rule here in heaven: 
Don't step on the ducks!' 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, 
There are ducks all over the place. 
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, 
And although they try their best to avoid them, 
The first woman accidentally steps on one. 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. 
St. Peter chains them together and says, 
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to 
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, 
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck 
And along comes St. Peter, 
Who doesn't miss a thing. 
With him is another extremely ugly man. 
He chains them together 
With the same admonishment as for the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and, 
Not wanting to be chained 
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, 
VERY careful where she steps. 

She manages to go months 
Without stepping on any ducks, 
One day St.Peter comes up to her 
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on 
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. 

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. 

The happy woman says, 
'I wonder what I did to deserve being 
Chained to you for all of eternity?' 

The guy says, 
'I don't know about you, 
But I stepped on a 

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Monday, July 1, 2013

Just A Weeee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man, a kappa, decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well, the man replied, she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Waiting for God

There was a huge flood and the flood waters were rising quickly. A man was sitting on the porch of his house and another man came by in a row boat. The man in the row boat told the man on the porch to get in and he'd save him. The man on the porch said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him.

The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith in God and would wait for God to save him.

The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the man's roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by and lowered a rope. The pilot shouted down for the man in the house to climb up the rope because the helicopeter had come to rescue him. The man in the house wouldn't climb up the rope. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would wait for God to rescue him.

The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowned.  

When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown. 

"What more do you want from me?" asked God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter." 

Lesson: If you find yourself in trouble and someone offers to help, take it. That's God way of saving you!

Image source -

Saturday, June 15, 2013

The Results of Statistics

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed

2. All polar bears are left-handed

3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear.

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear eye glasses.

2. 80 percent of employed men wear eye glasses.

3. Work sucks up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals

2. All cats are animals

3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second

2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second

3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

Monday, October 29, 2012

THE TWO BAGS - Aesop's Fables

Every man carries Two Bags about with him, one in front and one behind, and both are packed full of faults. 

The Bag in front contains his neighbours' faults, the one behind his own. 

Hence it is that men do not see their own faults, but never fail to see those of others.

Fable source: Project Happy Child
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