The Results of Statistics

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed

2. All polar bears are left-handed

3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear.

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear eye glasses.

2. 80 percent of employed men wear eye glasses.

3. Work sucks up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals

2. All cats are animals

3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second

2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second

3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

Laugh of the Day

An man goes into a shop and buys a chainsaw.

Two weeks later he returns the chainsaw and says to the shop assistant: "2 weeks ago I bought this chainsaw and you said that it would chop down 50 trees in an hour. I can only manage 2 trees."

The shop assistant says, "let me see", and starts the machine up. BRRRRRR!!!

The man jumps back in surprise and says "what's that noise?!?"

Image source warwickdailynews.com.au

THE TWO BAGS - Aesop's Fables

Every man carries Two Bags about with him, one in front and one behind, and both are packed full of faults. 

The Bag in front contains his neighbours' faults, the one behind his own. 

Hence it is that men do not see their own faults, but never fail to see those of others.

Fable source: Project Happy Child

Image source youtube.com

10 Notes from Parents

These are real notes written by parents. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


Image source insidesarosh.weebly.com

The First Stall

Leaving Miami for Ft Lauderdale, I decide to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the bathroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall.

I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall............ "Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, so finally I say: "Not bad............"

Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going to Ft Lauderdale.........."

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: "Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!"


Image credit heshatsheshat.wordpress.com

Keep Going

When you feel you can’t and you know you must, keep going. Remember why you started, remember where you’re headed, think of how great it will be to get there, and keep going.

Incredible accomplishments are regularly achieved on the other side of adversity. Push yourself through. Pull yourself through. Keep going. When you lose a little ground, use it to build even more momentum. By the time you’ve recovered lost ground, you’ll be going stronger than ever.

When you get burned out, exhausted, and just cannot take another step, rest for a little while, and then keep going. You can clear all the hurdles, if you’ll do it one by one.

Keep going, and each new step makes you stronger. Keep going, and each day brings you closer to the destination. Persistence will win the day over muscle, cleverness and starting position. Wherever you’re headed you’ll surely get there if you just keep going.

— Ralph Marston

You Know You're Living in 2012 when...

Old but still true today.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 50) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Never Give Up

"Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles. Your decision to be, have and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else."

~ Brian Tracy

10 Things You Should Know About Texas & Texans

1. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

2. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'

3. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat ?'

4. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH ‘EM...

5. You measure distance in minutes.

6. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

8. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

9. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew or chili weather.

10. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dat-gummit.

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The Pay Increase

A maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maid: "Well mam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maid: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maid: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No mam, the gardener did.
SHE GOT THE RAISE!

Photo credit tristatedomestic.net